Picking a man's brain.
- Amber Rodriquez
- Nov 22, 2022
- 12 min read
Women, I did this one for you. I’ve currently selected 3 men to fill out a questionnaire in hopes to get some answers. These are some men that I’ve know for a while and I value everything that they have to say. They’ve all come from different backgrounds, are all different ages, all have different struggles, and all have different beliefs on dating. I’d like to introduce you to our four men that have taken the time to let me pick their brain.
Meet our guys:
Nicholas: Mid thirties, “works” full time at his dream job. The only reason I put quotations is because he truly loves what he does and it doesn’t seem like “work” to him. Nicholas has been dating since he was in his teens. Nicholas was married for five years (they were together for ten) before he divorced. Nicholas has now been in the dating game for four months. Nicholas is hopeful to find a potential long-term relationship. Love language is acts of service.
Timothy: Early/Mid twenties: Works full time and has a full time salary. Timothy has been dating since 2020 and is seeking a long-term relationship. Love language is gift giving and acts of kindness.
Kai: Late twenties/Early thirties, has a full time job and salary. Kai has been dating since middle school but has been recently back in the dating game for a couple months now after ending a serious two year relationship. Kai is in a transitional period in his life where he’s grappling with behaviors he’s had most of his life. Kai has an ambition for change. Love language is physical touch.
Out of all the things in the world, I just wish I knew what a man was thinking and if he liked me or not. They say that women are confusing but let’s be honest, I think men are just as confusing and at times can be more confusing on what they want.
Women, I’m asking the things you want to know. Don’t worry, men. I have a blog post coming where men ask questions they want answered by women!
As a woman that’s dating, I want to be completely honest about how I’m feeling and I appreciate when men are completely honest with how they’re feeling as well.
Dating is really weird nowadays. I’m sure most of us have all been on some sort of dating app at one point or another. Can we really take these dating apps seriously? Do you take these apps seriously? I know I go back and forth with these dating sites. I love meeting people and making new friends but here lately, I’ve been asking myself if I should even be taking it seriously. I feel like most of these profiles state that they’re looking for something casual or nothing serious. With that being said, I’m finding it hard to open up and be honest when these men are most likely not even going to care.
For the most part, I know what I want in a relationship. After reading these answers from these open and honest men, I now have a little more faith that most men know what they want as well. Let’s get this started!
Okay, men. Let’s start out with the basics. How do you meet women? Are you meeting potential dates in person or are you meeting them online? I personally never dress up to go and run errands. So if I see a hottie walking down the grocery store aisle and I immediately walk away because I’m definitely not looking my best. I’d much rather have someone look at my dating profile rather than approach me in person. But then again, if I’m not looking my best and he’s still attracted to me, he might be the one.
Nicholas: I would rather meet people in person but have been known to do both. Depends on my mood honestly. Some days I feel social, other days I just don’t.
Timothy: I try to use bumble or hinge without much luck, unless you pay $30 a month you’re kind of SOL.
Kai: Primarily on Dating sites, unfortunately. Lol It’s sad to say but I’ve definitely become accustomed to modern online dating. I definitely want to work on my confidence to be able to express my interest in a girl in person.
Since all of you are on at least one dating site, what do you think when women use old photos of themselves on their dating profile? We're talking about photos that are years old and she no longer looks like that anymore. I remember when I first met my ex-boyfriend, he looked nothing like the pictures on his dating profile. He was around eighty pounds heavier than the photos he posted. I was in shock and honestly felt like I had been catfished.
Nicholas: That's not very open and honest is it? Not cool brah.
Timothy: I try to be up to date as possible but I RARELY take selfies. I think they should be current, within a year or two.
Kai: I have a few of those on mine as well. As long as it's not a complete attempt to mislead people, it's okay.
Now, let’s say that you’ve met someone and you ask them out. Where are you taking them for your first date and what are your expectations?
Nicholas: Personally, I’m a dinner and maybe something after like drinks kind of person. Allows us to talk more. Never a movie as a first date. That’s trash and there is no communication. Open, honest, try to have a good time and just learn about each other. Doesn’t have to be a grand spectacle designed to flaunt any one aspect of either parties life.
Timothy: Coffee. I do not do dinner anymore because it gets too expensive paying $40+ for a meal often. I’m not sure I have an expectation, I just see it as getting to know a new person. And hoping it works out.
Kai: I’m being honest here and I know its not creative but its usually a movie night and chill type of night. But not just so someone can come over and do stuff lol Im such an introvert to begin with. I can be less nervous and more myself in that environment and plus you can really talk and get to know someone without worrying about noise are trying to be quiet in a movie theater. I do want to break out of my shell a little more do some more creative things for sure! My expectation is to get to know her and have fun! I never try to go into a date specifically with something sexual in mind or anything. I'm not pushing anyone into anything they might not want. As long as we have fun, I'm happy.
On Facebook, there are countless memes about red flags in men and women. I know after several years of dating, I have a list of things that will make me steer clear of a man. What are some of those red flags you look for?
Nicholas: I like the color red so I don’t have any. I try to have an open mind about people. But to be fair, if you only talk about your ex, or spend the entire time on the phone, I’m out.
Timothy: Talking about an ex TOO much, on your phone a lot, being very quiet and not engaging in conversation.
Kai: I think anytime a girl jokes about her being crazy or toxic is a big red flag lol or how they treat strangers or employees.
Now, let’s say you’re on a date and it isn’t going well, what do you do? Do you tell her that there most likely won’t be a second date?
Nicholas: Upfront and honest all the time. Wait till the end cause it may change. But at the end just be real with it.
Timothy: I tell them how I felt after the date has concluded, I have only had to make up an excuse to leave 2-3 times.
Kai: I wish I could say I'd voice my opinion that there wouldn’t be a second date, but historically I would just slowly stop responding completely. A habit I want to stop.
Let's say the date went really well, how do you let her know that you're wanting to see her again?
Nicholas: Phone call, text, etc. whatever our primary form of communication is usually.
Timothy: I start by asking her how she felt it went, then ask if this is something she would like to continue.
Kai: Now that I don't have a problem communicating! I will always tell someone when I had a really great time hanging out with them and that I want to see them again. Usually right after we get done hanging out.
Now to follow up that question, what are some hints you like to give women to let her know that you're into her?
Nicholas: Lot's of flirting, honesty about it too. Some men (such as myself) suck at getting the point across. So I may just hit her with the old fashioned "nice shoes! Wanna fuck?" Just kidding. I'll be honest and say I'm really into her or something.
Timothy: Flirting, going out of my way to do nice things, giving gifts.
Kai: The meaner I am to you, the more I like you. If I'm not roasting you or poking fun, then I might not be feeling it that much. Eye contact too.
Just curious as to what kind of women you're into? What are some qualities you look for in a woman? Do you have a type?
Nicholas: Honesty, compassion, respect both for herself and others. Confidence is the biggest. Great sense of humor. Able to talk shit and take it too.
Timothy: Honesty, reliability, humor and kindness. [Timothy's type are] vet students apparently. Or exclusively women with no car, no job and no ambition. Those seem to be the only ones I match with. Sometimes I get lucky in between.
Kai: I look for genuine kindness. I like to see complexity in someone's thoughts, compassion for others. I don't need someone to look a certain way or act a certain way. I just want to respect the kind of person you are. I don't have a physical type, my past relationships have varied all over the place. Just women I have genuine respect for.
I've met several guys on dating sites that are just looking for a friends with benefits and don't want any sort of relationship. To each their own. How do you feel about friends with benefits? If you aren't opposed, what boundaries (if any) do you set?
Nicholas: Depends on the person. Don't catch feelings if it's established that it's just a fwb thing.
Timothy: I am open to it, at this point I would like something more serious, but if that is something they want, we can give it a try. Boundary wise, I just say they have to be completely honest.
Kai: Friends with benefits is probably what I'm more accustomed to. Even though there might not have been any labels on things I have had some of the happiest experiences of my life from these relationships. The only boundary I set is if that relationship starts affecting you negatively or you feel we need to reevaluate what we have going on, you tell me. Both of our voices have to be heard in that.
Okay, one last dating app question. When do you take yourself off dating apps? I've heard of men taking themselves off when they get a date with a girl, I've heard that they take themselves off when they think that they're dating someone they see themselves with, and I've also heard that men never take themselves off... even when they're in a relationship.
Nicholas: When I feel it getting serious, even before it's official. Kind of an unofficial, "I want to be exclusive."
Timothy: When we are official or "talking exclusively." But I typically won't delete the app until we are official.
Kai: Anytime I've discussed with someone about being exclusive and really starting a relationship. Those are the first things to go. Has to be.
Are you comfortable if the woman communicates with other men? Even if you aren't in an official relationship with her?
Nicholas: Communicating, yes. But be mindful. Men are trash and will try to insert themselves in any way, shape or form. If you know what I mean. She needs to make sure to set boundaries.
Timothy: Yes and no, on one hand I would like to get to know you on a 1 to 1 basis without worrying about having to beat out another guy, but also I don't own you and I can't make those choices for you.
Kai: I am, I believe that if we agreed to being okay with that and especially if I'm talking to other girls, it's only right.
Okay, here's a good one. Some men expect intimacy right away. I've heard some men say that they want to have sex before it's even official so they know how good the sex will be. What are your thoughts on when intimacy should be initiated?
Nicholas: Depends on our connection. Sometimes it's best to take it slow, other times you just can't help yourself.
Timothy: It varies person to person. I have slept with people on the first date and I have waited till a month in. But I prefer to wait till I know the person a bit better.
Kai: I don't have a set time frame, it really depends on our chemistry. I'm not opposed to the same day if it feels right, but however long it takes as long as we are enjoying ourselves I'm happy.
Gentleman, are you opposed to dating a woman that has different political and/or spiritual beliefs? Most of the time I tend to date men with the same political beliefs as me but I find it harder to find a man that's Catholic. At one point I found it a big issue for me, but now I find that it's easier to find a middle ground. I just don't like when people use my beliefs against me or make assumptions about what I do and believe as a Catholic.
Nicholas: Nope. Could lead to some heated debates but it's good to hear other opinions.
Timothy: No, my ex fiancé had different views completely. At the end of the day you just need to be able to talk about it without holding grudges.
Kai: I definitely think it's something to consider when establishing a long-term relationship, but I'm not opposed to it at all as long as the things we love about each other outweigh those differences.
Okay, y’all. We know the winter months are what us single moms call “step daddy season.”As a single mom, I personally don’t like to introduce my girls to anyone I’m dating for a long while or I see that there’s a lot of potential in the man I’m seeing. Are you opposed to dating a woman with children?
Nicholas: Not [opposed] at all
Timothy: Yes and no, it’s kind of a catch 22 when you are 23 years old.
Kai: Not at all! Some of my most meaningful connections have come from women with kids! But one thing I believe, in order to have serious relationship with someone with kids you have to be willing to accept and love every part of their lives especially their kids. Definitely something I’m willing to do if I ever form that connection!
When I left my marriage, my ex told me I wouldn't be able to provide for myself or our children. At that moment, I told myself that I wasn't going to let him be right. I immediately got a job after being a stay-at-home mother for four years and started making my own money. I don't mind paying for my own stuff. Or even for the entire date. Of course I would love for a man to pay for stuff too but I just like to offer to pay as well. I want it known that I don't need a man to pay for my things. Going off of that, how do you feel when a woman is independent and comes on a little strong? Let's say she asks you out and pays for your meal?
Nicholas: Like I said earlier, confidence is amazing. I love it.
Timothy: This has not happened to me. So far it seems that it is expected for me to pay.
Kai: I actually really enjoy that! It's only happened once, and I really appreciated it. It was great seeing a girl wanting to take initiative and show how she feels about you. I can see how it might be different for some guys, but I appreciate it.
Okay, gonna piggy-back off of that question. Does it bother you if a woman is further along in her career than you are? Is it a problem if she makes more money than you?
Nicholas: Hell no. Be proud of who you are and keep kicking ass!
Timothy: Not at all. If my girl is making more money than me, you can catch me acting like the bald guy in the Swiffer commercial.
Kai: That's not a problem at all! She can make all the big bucks! I'd gladly be a sugar baby in training!
Let's say that you're now in a relationship, but you feel like the relationship isn't progressing. What do you do?
Nicholas: See if there's anything we can do to change it. If not, there's no point in staying. That builds resentment.
Timothy: I confront them about it first, and if it doesn't improve, I will cut it off.
Kai: I'd have a conversation with them about it. Is it okay that it's not going anywhere? What if yall are both happy with where it is for now and don't mind it not progressing? Sometimes you can just enjoy the present.
This has gone on longer than I expected, so here's the last question, do you have any fears when it comes to dating?
Nicholas: Commitment. Haha not really, I don't.
Timothy: Honestly, ghosting. I will never understand it. I always start out with asking for 100% honesty and I will do the same, but 9/10 they just don't communicate or disappear.
Kai: Hurting someone to the point it changes them forever.
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