"I damn sure never would've danced with the Devil."

Okay, first off, I'm pretty damn sure Taylor Swift has some sort of magical ability to step into my brain and get inspiration for her songs.You know how there's any app for everything you need in life? Well, that's how my life is with Taylor Swift music. I have a Taylor song for every event going on in my life.

I started dating quickly after my divorce. Most of these relationships would fizzle out before anything got too serious. I never introduced any of these people to my kids or my family. I didn't want to unless I knew there was potential that I would marry this person. I never saw that with any of these men so I never introduced them. I was pretty quiet on social media when it came to my dating life. That all changed February 28, 2022. I'm sure if you're reading this, you'll know who I'm about to talk about. Because this person is so spiteful and immature, I'm going to change his name and call him"Allan" on this blog post.

I met Allan on a dating website. His profile pictures had him on a dirt bike, with a cute husky, sporting a brown paper sack from Lush. He wasn't what I'd consider "hot" but he was decent looking. I swiped right and it was immediately a match. I'm not sure if you know this but when you're on bumble, the women have to message the men first within twenty-four hours of matching. There's also a certain amount of time that the man has to respond to the woman. I immediately wanted to strike up a conversation with him. He responded quickly and told me that I had a beautiful family. That made my heart skip a beat. My girls are my entire world and for someone to compliment me about how beautiful the three of us were together felt so nice. A lot of guys that I'd match with didn't want to date a woman with kids, so this was so refreshing.

After a few days of chatting, we decided to meet for a drink. I know I'm insanely stupid for meeting someone alone at their house on the first date. I know that and I swear I'll never do that again. He told me he had a hot tub and to bring my swim suit if I wanted to get in. Drinks in the hot tub sounded fantastic. I was also going through some work drama and I just needed someone to vent to and he told me he was here to listen. I felt like I didn't have a lot of people to talk to and I wanted to hear an opinion from someone who was an outsider from the situation.

I decided to take him up on the offer. I drove to Sonic to grab us a soft drink to mix with our Malibu. Of course I was a little nervous about meeting up with him but for some reason I was calm about it. I drove twenty-five minutes across town to his duplex. I was too nervous to go up and knock on the door so I text him to come outside and get me. Had I been catfished? He walked out to get me and I was surprised that he hardly looked like the pictures from his profile. I could see that the pictures he used were from a time where he was 80-90 pounds lighter. I'd like to point out that appearances don't necessarily matter to me, but I felt like I had been lied to because this wasn't at all what I expected him to look like. Okay, when I was eighteen and in college, I lost 40 pounds. I love those pictures of me! It's where I was most confident, but I wouldn't use those on a dating profile! I've gained weight since then and have the wide mom hips now. I don't look anything like I did nine years ago.

When I walked in, I noticed that he had baby items scattered around the house. Crib, high chair... baby clothes. There was a half eaten first birthday cake sitting on the counter as well. He had a son. Why in the hell was this something that he hid from me? He knew I had two kids and wanted someone that was family oriented. I let it slide. He didn't tell me much other than he moved here to be closer to his son. When he said that, I assumed he lived in another town and moved here to help co-parent. I found that absolutely admirable since my ex-husband had moved away and was only around when it was court ordered. I was starting to like this guy because of that. He seemed like he was a wonderful father and could possibly one day be the one to fill the void in my girls hearts that was left open by their own father.

After a bit of talking and drinking, we decided to get into the hot tub. My eyes have been opened now about the next moments that played out. I had been absolutely adamant and clear that I did not want to have sex with him. I told him over and over before I even showed up to his house. I even told him when I showed up to his house and we had our first drinks. He kept reassuring me that he understood and that we wouldn't do anything I didn't want him to do. I'd like to go ahead and say this:

No means no. No doesn't mean "maybe," it doesn't mean to try harder, it isn't a suggestion, it doesn't mean to keep pressuring. Kissing isn't an open invitation to sex. A woman being naked in your bed isn't an open invitation to sex. A woman being drunk or high isn't an open invitation to sex. A woman can change her mind at ANY point, even if it's in the middle of sex. If a woman wants to stop and you don't, you are raping her. If you beg over and over until she finally says yes, that is still rape. Never make a woman feel like she has to have sex with you. If you do that, you have just raped her.

A little while after we had gotten into the hot tub, he kept touching my thigh and kissing me. Soon he was untying my swimsuit. Even after I had told him no several times and tied my swimsuit back, he kept trying to convince me to have sex with him. After several minutes of him being persistent, I finally gave in. At the time, I did feel guilty but part of me felt like I must have been absolutely desirable for him to keep begging me. Now that I think back, I know that it was because he was a selfish rapist that just wanted a piece of ass that night. I don't remember much of that night because I was drunk. Bits and pieces of the night just come in flashes.

The next weekend, he asked me if I wanted to go over again. I told him that we actually needed to get to know each other if we were going to continue seeing each other. I felt like he knew quite a bit about me but I didn't know much about him. That night, I cooked my favorite shrimp dish because I knew he loved seafood. It was delicious and he told me that it was one of the best meals anyone has ever cooked for him. I'm a people pleaser and I couldn't help but beam when I found out he loved my meal. The rest of the night went fine. He told me that he wanted to keep seeing me. A few days later, he wanted me to meet his son. He took us to a park to go fishing. I instantly fell in love with his son. We had a really good afternoon. Allan was extremely impressed with how well his son did with me and it really opened his eyes that this could actually be something real. Here's the next big red flag. He texted his ex-fiance that they didn't need her. That he found a better mother for their son. With that text, he attached a picture of me and their son. I couldn't believe he did that. I can't even imagine if Jacob did that to me. I felt so awful that he did that without me knowing. I told him that I wanted to meet his son's mother. I wanted her to know that her son was safe with me and that I never would want her to think I was trying to replace her. She and Allan were the parents and they knew what was best for their son. Of course, he didn't want me to do that. I don't know why. I told him that if Jacob's wife had done that in the beginning and got to know me and let me set boundaries, our co-parenting relationship would have been so much better than what it was.

We had a few more dates after this. I even invited him and his son to my house to come have dinner for my oldest daughter's 6th birthday. Both of my girls loved his son and they got along with Allan really well too. I was surprised that my youngest daughter wasn't shy with him. My youngest hates meeting people so I was super impressed that she liked him.

The next few dates with Allan went really well, but I was surprised that he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet. We'd go out and he wouldn't hold my hand and I thought that was weird. Yes, I know that some people hate PDA but I thought hand holding was so simple. I'd ask him why and he'd just brush it off and say something along the lines of "we aren't in a relationship." By this time, we were spending all of our free time together. Thursdays were our "family days" because it was the one day that we had all three kids. You don't do that with someone you aren't in a relationship or serious with, right? He had told me it would be a long while before I met his family. A few weeks later, he invited me to go to Easter with him to go and meet his family. So it had to be serious, right?

As each day passed, I was filled with more and more confusion. He still didn't want to be in a relationship with me but he would tell me how much he loved my girls. Especially my oldest. I'd get really frustrated with him because if he wanted to step into the role as a stepfather, he needed to love them both equally. Even though I was confused, I knew how I wanted him to feel about me. I wanted him to love me. I'd ask him over and over why he still hadn't asked me to be my girlfriend and he told me it was to protect me from his ex-fiance and her mother. When he would tell me about my ex, he would say how much she hated me and that it was just best that they didn't know who I was. Even though he said he wanted to protect me from them, she eventually found out who I was and sent me a message. For the sake of anonymity purposes, we will call her Emma. Emma attached a screenshot of the messaged Allan had sent her about me being their son's "better mother." She also told me that she wanted me to see how he acted behind the scenes when he wasn't around me. She also told me that she wasn't blaming me for his actions but she was hurt. Emma also let me know that he was constantly sending her pictures of my daughters. I was furious at this point. Not at her, at him. If he needed to protect me from her, why the fuck was he sending her pictures of my kids? I didn't know her enough for him to even mention my girls to her. I confronted him and he admitted to me that he was using pictures of the girls to make her jealous that we had a "family." He had always wanted daughters so he wanted her to see that he finally had daughters. At this point I should have left the "relationship." He was using what we had together to make Emma jealous. Of course all of Allan's actions were pissing off Emma... hell, I would have been furious as well. A few weeks had passed and he had been dropped by his family lawyer because of the text he sent Emma with my picture. He was given his $900 retainer fee back and he should have used that on a retainer fee with a new lawyer but he didn't. I'm not sure on what he used it on. He finally found a lawyer that would work with him and he told me the retainer fee for her was going to be $5,000. He ended up starting a GoFundMe to get money for the retainer fee. After meeting with the attorney, he told me that she cut the fee in half for him and would only need $2,500. I had the money to loan him. He had received a donation from two people. His aunt gave him $1,000 and someone else gave him another amount on the GoFundMe page. He told me that once he got the money that he would pay me back. Deep in my gut, I knew I shouldn't have offered to loan him the money.. I knew he wouldn't pay me back but it was too late.

The following weeks went by pretty quickly. I got him AirPod Pros for Father's Day. I even bought him a trip to Vegas for his birthday. This man was spoiled. But I know now that I was trying to buy his love. Even after he finally asked my girls if he could be my boyfriend, he still wasn't paying attention to me like a boyfriend should. He would never want to kiss me or hold my hand or cuddle me. I was always left wondering if I was even good enough for him. Why wasn't he showing me that he liked me? He wasn't even wanting to have sex with me unless he was high off of his Ambien. When he'd do this, he'd also drink heavily.

His anger. I hated his anger. He'd laugh and tell me how abusive he was towards Emma. He recalled one time that he had her pinned up against the wall by her neck. He'd tell me how he would wish she was dead or that he wished he could just hire a hitman to "take her out." I was honestly terrified. I wanted to leave at this point but he still owed me money and I was scared of what he could do to me. There was one time where I was late. We were driving around and I told him and his eyes changed. He unbuckled my seatbelt, tried opening the door and was pushing on me. He might have been joking but that's nothing you should ever joke about. Thank God I got my period a few days later. I don't know what I would have done if I had to co-parent with him.

The final straw for me was when he told me him and his best friend were going to go to the strip club. I know some people don't care if their partners go but I did care. He wouldn't pay attention to me so why would I let him go and spend money tipping these random women. I couldn't take it anymore. He had no respect for me as a girlfriend. There were a few other red flags that I'd like to point out that I forgot to add into the story.

• He asked me to move in with him after our second date.

• He would pay extra attention to my oldest daughter and buy her gifts. I know now that he was going to probably start grooming her and eventually abuse her.

• He was always taking me away from my family. Anytime we had a family gathering/party/wedding, he wouldn't let me stay any longer than an hour. He was always wanting to leave as fast as he could. I missed out on a lot because of this.

• He had no respect for Emma as his sons mother.

• He was always making himself comfortable in my parents home and would go and start drinking my dad's beer and mom's food. He had no respect for their home.

• Even though he was in a relationship with me, he was still messaging people he had a past relationship with and was still actively messaging other women on Bumble. (To his new girlfriend, Katie, HE'S STILL ACTIVELY ON BUMBLE.)

• He stole $9,000 from Emma after she kicked him out of their home.

• I had planned our Vegas trip to just be for us but he ended up inviting all of his friends. He didn't want to spend any alone time with me and couldn't understand why I was upset.

• He was constantly bugging me about my weight.

• We had tried doing Weight Watchers and would get jealous when I would lose weight and he would gain. It was always my fault.

• Any time I'd tell him that I didn't like how he was treating me, he'd tell me "you're trippin." My feelings were never valid to him.

There are so many other things that he did that I don't even have the strength to remember and type up. He may think he ruined me but I've come out on top. I've won this battle.

"If you never touched me, I would've Gone along with the righteous If I never blushed, then they could've Never whispered about this And if you never saved me from boredom I could've gone on as I was But, Lord, you made me feel important And then you tried to erase us

Ooh, oh You're a crisis of my faith Would've, could've, should've If I'd only played it safe

I would've stayed on my knees And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil."

-Would've, Could've, Should've.