I have a lot of feelings...

I'm almost 30, divorced (so... single), a mom of two beautiful girls and I'm also dating in this crazy world.

Almost 30

I was born in the beginning of 1995. I got to enjoy the simple things growing up... Butterfly clips, cotton candy perfume, burning CD's, Lizzie McGuire, and having to talk to my friends after 9:00 pm because that's when my minutes were free. In junior high and high school, I was definitely a band geek - my dad was the band director, so thats a given. I had a small group of friends that were my entire world. I'm blessed to still have one of the people in my group as a wonderful friend still. I remember that's when school dances were fun. No one had smart phones and we could just enjoy spending time with each other. We could dance and sing along to Smack That by Akon and not worry about someone getting a video and becoming a meme because of our embarrassing dancing. Times were simple when the biggest worry you had was that your crush would find out you were in love with them. I miss those days.

Early Dating Life

I've always been one that needed to be loved. Some assume my parents didn't give me love or something stupid like that but that's far from the truth. My parents spoke love to each other and to me and my little brother. We were and still are a very loving family. My parents have always been the prime example of the love I've always wanted. They were college sweethearts that experienced devastating heartbreak when they had a miscarriage and lost my older brother. Both had to deal with the heartbreak in their own ways for a while but eventually came back to each other and got pregnant with me and married a few months before I came into this crazy world.

I've never been the prettiest person. In high school I was the fat chick that had braces and straightened her hair one too many times and now had waves that resembled a wet mop. I did have my group of friends but I was always wanting more attention from someone. I wanted more friends; I loved having friends. So I went to a website called MyYearbook and would chat with some people my age. I was 17 when I had my first "boyfriend." He lived in a neighboring town and I decided to meet him when my mom was shopping at Hobby Lobby in that neighboring town. Michael was tall, skinny, had shaggy brown hair and was the cutest skater boy I'd ever laid my eyes on. He was my first kiss. I was on cloud 9. I'd never kissed anyone before so I wouldn't be able to tell you if it was any good or not. I'd never kissed anyone so I had nothing to compare it to. My mom took us to the movies that day so we could have our "first date." We secretly held hands and when my mom would get up to go to the restroom, Michael would sneak kisses. I'd never felt so in love before. The next day I had my very first heartbreak. He broke up with me. He said his mom didn't want him dating but I knew deep in my heart it was because he didn't think I was pretty.

A few months later I was skimming through MyYearbook again and saw a man in a Marine uniform. He wasn't super attractive in my book but I have a family full of Marines and being a Marine girlfriend was an exciting thought to me. We exchanged messages and soon our numbers. It didn't take long for me to get butterflies when I'd see his text notifications pop up on my screen. He was super sweet over text messages at first. Then we met. I was 18 and he was about to be 21. Now that I look back, I can see that even though I was "legal," this relationship could still be dangerous. I was still in high school!!! When we'd meet up, he was always wanting to take my virginity in some public restroom. I grew up a strong Catholic and pre-marital sex wasn't appealing to me. The last time I saw him, he tried to rape me in his dad's old beat up van in a mall parking lot. Thank God my mom called and said she was on her way to get me. I was crying. Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time someone had tried to take my innocence. My maternal grandfather tried years before several times before I was even in the double digits. The anxiety and worry of it all died along with him... that is until I was in that mall parking lot. Every single emotion came back and hit me. I broke up with him shortly after that. Thank God. He was bald, ugly and never brushed his teeth.

The Swiping App

I met someone that lived in the college town I was going to be living in. We chatted on the same website that I had met the other two on. We had amazing conversations. He was smart, funny, charming and everything you could want in a boyfriend. We had our very first date planned out. I was beyond excited to go out with the boy I'd been flirting with for weeks. But the date never happened, Leah happened. He told me he liked me but he had feelings for his best friend Leah and that he kissed her that day and they were going to be starting a relationship. I can't tell you how much I obsessed over this girl. I was looking at her profile daily. What the hell did she have that I didn't? Oh, I know. Beautiful looks. She had the most perfect colored eyes, she had a cute and petit body and an incredible smile. I couldn't fucking compare.

I'd still talk to the boy. He was my best fucking friend. I had the smallest bit of hope that he'd decide to leave her for me. We'd still flirt all the time. One day he cheated on her with someone he met at work. That was when I decided to make my move. He invited me over and that was it. He kissed me and things went further than I expected. I lost my virginity to my best friend. I was obsessed with him after that. A few weeks later he ended up breaking my heart. He left me for a girl in school. I was broken. I wanted to fill the void. So I downloaded this new dating app that everyone in class had been talking about. You swipe right on guys you think are hot and left if you wanna pass. I downloaded it and matched. That was it. I was obsessed with all the guys telling me I was pretty even though I wasn't. I started having casual hookups when just a few months earlier I was adamant that I wasn't going to have sex before marriage. I'd met a guy that fell in love with me and I was in love with him too. We'd dance in the middle of the dorm lobby at midnight. We'd have Whataburger dates and go to the movies. We'd sneak into each others dorms. It was a whirlwind of a romance. It felt like I was living in a Taylor Swift song. He'd eventually break my heart for another girl as well. He now is married to this girl with a beautiful daughter. I can't help but miss him and wish it was me with him.

Marriage

Now I'm 20 years old. I'd been on academic probation for a few months and had still been talking to men casually on these sites. One day, I decided to try another dating site called OKCupid. I saw a name that was extremely familiar and also uncommon. It was the same last name as Leah's. I immediately started talking to the guy that had the same last name as the girl I at one time compared myself too. He had the same features as Leah. I knew he had to be her brother. Turns out it was her younger brother. (Side note: My youngest daughter is a carbon copy of Leah. Funny how things ended up.) For some reason I thought this was the path back to my ex-best friend I lost my virginity to. Jacob and I talked for months and he was obsessed with me. He told me everything I wanted to hear. He even told me he loved me before he even met me in person. He was a "country boy" that stole my heart. We finally met in person for the first time May 9, 2015. Everything came so fast with Jacob. He lost his virginity to me the night we first met. We were in love. We couldn't get enough of each other. Every thought I had was consumed with him and the life we could have. On June 26, 2015, we found out that we were expecting a baby. I was filled with so many emotions. By this time, I was starting to notice some red flags with Jacob. I noticed jealousy... raging jealousy. I couldn't even talk about Nick Jonas without him wanting to punch a wall because he was so insanely jealous. I dismissed the red flags and said yes to his proposal in early September 2015. We were married by September 26. They say the first year of marriage is hard and it truly is. But it was the best year that we had. There were so many fights and stupid arguments but I wanted another baby. I knew my marriage wasn't going to last and I wanted to have another baby before it ended. By the time our baby was 8 months old, I was pregnant for the second time. The pregnancy was rough. I felt so alone with Jacob working out of town. When he was in town, he was physically there but he was consumed with his playstation. I felt alone being the only parent taking care of our almost-one-year-old. I felt resentment towards him for not helping with the child he helped bring into this world. There were so many rough moments but in October of 2019, I had enough of his anger. He threw a frying pan at me and wrecked the house. Our oldest was hiding and crying behind the couch and our 2 year old ran to the room screaming and crying. Grabbing my babies and hiding in their room was the worst thing I've ever experienced. I moved in with my parents and never looked back. On my 25th birthday, I was sitting in a lawyer's office getting ready to fight an ugly custody battle.

Divorced

My divorce was the best thing that has ever happened to my family. I didn't have to worry about someone being jealous of celebrities that I might have had a crush on. I didn't have to worry about fighting with someone in front of my girls. I didn't have to worry about him anymore.

I was honestly checked out of the marriage before it was officially over. A week after I left him, I was feeling lonely and decided to get back on dating apps. I chatted with a few people but finally decided to meet someone I'd had some good conversation with. Let me tell you, that was the WORST meet up ever. We were trying to hook up in the back seat of my car and we ended up getting caught by a cop. Talk about embarrassing. Safe to say I never talked to that guy again.

The next two years were about the same. I'd meet a guy and we'd hook up a few times and then I'd eventually check out of the relationship because they weren't willing to give what I wanted. The loneliness was huge.

Another Michael

Fast forward to February 2022. I met a guy on Bumble and the first thing he said to me was that I had a beautiful family. I loved that he complimented me on this because several of my relationships ended because they weren't ready to be in a relationship with a woman with two kids. Michael was ready to step into the role. He was excited that I had kids and this was so new to me. It was such a good feeling. I met him a few days after we started talking and I should have known he wasn't going to respect me. I told him before we met that I didn't want to have sex with him. I made it very clear and he said he understood. When I got to his duplex, I found out that he had a son. He'd never discussed this with me before so I was shocked to see a crib and little bitty Nike slides thrown on the floor. He didn't say much about his son other than he had just turned a year old and that things were complicated with the mother of his child. That night we drank some mixed drinks that he made me and ended up getting into his hot tub. I once again reminded him that just because I was in my swimsuit and in a hot tub with him didn't mean I was offering him sex. He once again told me he understood. About 10 minutes later, I know he lied about understanding me because he had his tongue down my throat and was untying the string on my swimsuit. He begged and begged me and I kept telling him no but he eventually convinced me because we were "adults" and that's what adults did. Have casual sex. Rape. It wasn't casual sex. He convinced me to have sex with him even though I told him over and over that I didn't want to and that's considered rape.

Michael was my first official boyfriend after my divorce and everything happened so fast. He met my daughter on her 6th birthday and we met his son. My girls LOVED his son and they thought that he was going to eventually be their brother. We did everything together. He was my wedding dates during summer of 2022. I could go on and on about the good moments but the bad ones outweigh them. Michael made me feel insecure, ugly, worthless, crazy.

Even though he was bigger than me, he called me fat and that I needed to go on a diet so I could be "hot." He would show me all the pictures of him and his exes that he still wished he was with. He made me feel like the love I was giving him wasn't enough. I loved him with everything I had and gave him so much for him not to even want to kiss me. He never wanted to hold my hand or cuddle. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough for his love. When I'd tell him how I was feeling he would just tell me I was "trippin" or I was crazy. In the long run, I think I was. I'd do stupid stuff to get him to even look at me. I got him airpods for Father's Day. I bought him a trip to Vegas for his birthday. I even loaned him $2,500 for his family lawyer that he didn't pay back. I was tired of him looking at other girls instead of me. He could go to the strip clubs and look at them all he wanted but no one was going to help and love him like I did. I was tired of feeling like I wasn't worthy of him.

Back to the Dating

Here we are, present day. I've tried putting myself out there on the dating apps again. I've met a few people but it seems like they're all the same. They just want sex. I hate that this is what the world has come to. All men think that if you're on a dating site you are automatically "down to fuck." Well men, let me tell you. That's not the case. There are actually some people out there that are genuine, loving, caring women that want to be your partner in this crazy life. We want to see you succeed in everything you do. We want to dream with you. There are women that want to raise a family and wear cheesy matching pajamas at Christmas and spend an unreasonable amount of money at Disney with you. I dream of the moments like purchasing our first home and decorating it to match all of our personalities. I dream of retirement with the man I love and watching the sun go down while we hold hands rocking in our rocking chairs on our porch. I dream of growing old with someone. I know love can be ugly and it's probably the main reason why men are so shut off to the idea of being with someone long term but wouldn't it be worth it? Would the possibility of true love outweigh the ugly heartbreaks from the past?

Lonely

I basically started this blog when I was in tears one day missing my kids while they're visiting their dad and stepmom. I feel lonely because I've been stood up this weekend. I feel lonely because all of my other friends are in relationships and I'm not. I know that people think I shouldn't be lonely because I have my two beautiful daughters. They're my world and I do everything I can to provide for them and give them the best possible life I can give them. I make sure they never need or want anything, but I see how they crave having a household with a mom and a dad. I want to be able to give them that father. I want them to grow up knowing that they have a mother and father that love them with their entire beings. Yes, their biological father is somewhat in their life, but he only pays attention to them when it's his days with him. Any other day he couldn't care any less about them. He's missed dance recitals, birthday parties, school events...fuck. He's even forgotten to call them on their birthdays. I want to find the one that's going to fill that void for them. They need a mother and a father that's going to be there constantly.

What's Wrong With Me?

I love so hard. I care so much about every single person in my life. I'd do anything for anyone. I try hard to make sure people know I think about them and care about them. I give so much and receive absolutely nothing in return. When I start seeing a guy, most of the time they end up dating another girl. This happens more often than it doesn't. It just makes me wonder what's wrong with me. What do I have or don't have that makes them pick the other girl? Is it because I have kids and I'm not available 24/7? Is it because I don't have a beautiful face or body? Is it because I love too much? What's the fucking problem? I feel like I end up giving more of myself because I know they're losing interest and end up hurting myself. I try to win them back when they're already long gone. People tell me I need to love myself before I enter a relationship but it's so hard when you feel like no one wants you. You end up feeling worse and hating yourself more than you did before. At this point, I feel worthless. I just want to feel okay again. I just want to be loved.