Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex

This one definitely isn't easy. It's something I'm constantly having to work on. I wouldn't say I'm an expert at it by any means. I've been dealing with it for three years now, some days are definitely easier than others while some days make you want to rip your hair out.

Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference..

This is something I'm definitely learning to recite more. It helps me to remember that I can only control my own actions and to accept that I can't control Jacob and his wife's actions or how they decide to parent the kids. It's definitely easier said than done but I strive to learn to accept that this is my life. I have to do what's best for the kids & not what's best for me.

Establish boundaries:

This is a huge one for me. You have to set boundaries for your new relationship with your ex. When Jacob and I first split up, he was still constantly calling and texting me trying to repair our marriage. I was getting inappropriate messages about how he wanted me in his bed and how he would still fantasize about me. It was so disturbing. After that, I told him that he could only call when he was wanting to talk to the girls or he needed to tell me something that concerned the girls. I also told him not to text me anything unless it had to do with the girls. Anything else wasn't relevant and I refused to hear it.

Stick to agreements:

This is something that I've had to learn the hard way. You signed your divorce decree/custody agreement for a reason. STICK TO IT. At one point, Jacob and I were trading weekends and it's now gotten to the point where we have huge arguments because I give and cater to him and his wife when they can't do the same for me. I do my best to be fair and let them get the hours that they're allowed to have the girls but the beggars are starting to be choosers. They only trade weekends when it's convenient for them. I will admit that they did let me have a couple of hours over the summer so I could take the girls out for lunch. Apparently someone's wife was a little salty over those hours and told me that to make up for it, I had to give them three days of Thanksgiving break. Excuse me? When does 4 hours out of the entire summer equal three days? I know summer days are long but they aren't that long. Sheesh. After that disagreement, I decided that we need to strictly stick to the decree unless an emergency came up and things needed to be changed.

Don't argue in front of the kids:

This one was hard at first. It seemed for months Jacob and I would fight at every single pickup/dropoff. Some days we would fight in front of the girls and I regret that. The kids don't need to see you fighting. My biggest fear is that the girls will see us arguing and will end up resenting one or both of us. Even though our marriage ended a long time ago, they need to see us getting along. They need to know that they can trust the both of us to get along. I also fear that one day something will happen (I pray to God nothing ever does) and our co-parenting relationship is broken beyond repair and we won't be able to agree on whatever parenting choices we will have to make.

Always put your kids first:

This one seems like it's a given. I've had to take a step back and reevaluate some situations and really think if I'm doing it for myself or for the benefit of my children. Sometimes I feel that some situations aren't beneficial to my children and their well-being. And that's okay. You know what else is okay? Letting your ex get that extra time with them or whatever it is that they're wanting. I try and always hype my girls up before they go to their dads house. I tell them that they're going to have a great time and that they'll be home soon. Let your kids know that it's okay for them to be without you for a little bit. Let them know that they'll be safe and that you'll be waiting for their return. Keep their mind at ease. It's what's best for them.

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I just want to state that I know every co-parenting relationship is different. Some people co-parent phenomenally together! And that's amazing! I'm a little jealous! But understand that if you're dealing with someone that's dangerous to your child, they might not be what's best for your child's physical and mental health. Document everything in these situations. Sometimes an absent parent is better than a parent that's showing up and doing damage to your baby.