Bigger Than the Whole Sky

“How very softly you tiptoed into our world

Almost silently

But a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint your tiny little footprints

Have left on our hearts.”

April 2, 2023

It was a Sunday afternoon. Garrett and the kiddos were napping and I had this strange feeling that I was pregnant. I kept telling myself I was going crazy and that I wasn’t but I tiptoed out of the house and drove to Walmart to grab a few pregnancy tests. I get back to the house and immediately take a test. Almost instantly, I see a faint line. Shit. This is definitely a shock. I immediately text my best friend Shelby and tell her I’m pregnant then decide to wake up Garrett. I can’t remember exactly how the next moments played out other than he thought I was playing a late April fool’s joke on him. I told him I had 7 more pregnancy tests in the car if he wanted me to take those (lol!) We sat there in silence… well not complete silence, I was crying because I had no idea what we were going to do. We live two and a half hours apart from each other and we both have two kids of our own. Not only that, Garrett and I hadn’t even known each other a month yet and we were already going to have a baby together. I had no idea what was going to happen. After a little bit, I left Garrett’s house so I could make it back in time to see my kiddos.

“I don’t know who you’ll be,

but you’ll be my everything.”

April 3, 2023-May 21, 2023

After the initial shock of everything, we became thrilled. Our kids were so excited, especially my two daughters who were old enough to understand what was going on. As soon as I was far enough along to do the genetic blood test to find out the baby’s gender, we did it! Let me

tell you the absolute THRILL we had when we found out we were having another sweet baby girl. Our Amelia Breann. Named after my late grandmother and my beautiful sister-in-law. That same day, I had some spotting and immediately went to labor and delivery. I thought I was having a miscarriage. When I got checked out, I was told that sweet baby girl was fine and had a heartbeat of 140. I even got to see her. If I had known that I really was miscarrying, I’d have asked to hear that sweet heartbeat and for a picture of her to show her daddy and siblings. Although I didn’t do those things, I’m so blessed that I was able to see her for a short second.

Everything seemed to be going fine. The extreme nausea had slowed down, I wasn’t as exhausted as I had been and everything seemed to be going smoothly. We had started buying sweet baby girl clothes, my mom found an amazing deal on a bassinet and one of my best friends had given us a swing and some other baby gear. I was so thankful. Every day I

was taking pictures of my growing belly and sending them to Garrett. We were so excited. Every single one of us was thrilled. She was going to be born on my parents anniversary which was so special to me.

“A piece of my heart will never be at peace again.”

May 22, 2023

The day started out like any other. It was another Monday. I had been at work for a few hours and started cramping. I went to the restroom and found blood. I informed my boss that I was going to have to probably leave. I was panicking and I went back to the restroom and that’s when I started passing clots. I knew in this very moment that every dream Garrett and I had about our sweet Amelia were coming to a devastating end. She wasn’t going to grow to be the person we imagined she’d be. The excitement we had about bringing our Amelia into this world was all over now. The ride to labor and delivery was a blur. Luckily I was able to get into a room quickly. I remember breaking down in the middle of the hallway. I couldn’t breathe and it felt like the room was spinning. I felt as if the beautiful gift God had given us was now a broken promise. The feeling of emptiness that I felt in my heart was so overwhelming. I don’t remember much other than the doctor coming in and telling me and mom that she hadn’t grown since our last ultrasound three weeks prior. Her precious little heart stopped beating shortly after I had seen her.

“Daddy, please don’t look so sad.

Mama, please don’t cry.

I’m in the arms of Jesus and

He sings me lullabies.”

As soon as Garrett walked into the room, I couldn’t hold it back. Telling him we lost our Amelia Breann was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Seeing him mourn for our daughter was heart shattering. I never imagined that I’d ever feel a pain as awful as this. We didn’t know how we were going to tell the girls that their baby sister had died. As soon as I walked into the house and saw their beautiful little faces, I lost it. I couldn’t tell them. My mom sat them down and told them. My heart couldn’t handle to tell them. Seeing my Alena cry for her baby sister was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I didn’t know how to heal the hurt in her tiny little heart.

That night was so hard. We all cried so much. All of our hearts were broken. The tiny little soul that brought us all together was now gone. We were never going to see her in the tiny little outfits Garrett and I had bought just two days before, we were never going to see her sleeping soundly in the new bassinet we bought. Our arms that were going to hold and cuddle her are empty and long for her.

“When a child is born, it is the mother’s instant to protect the baby. When a baby dies, it’s the mother’s instinct to protect the memory.”

Monday, May 29, 2023

I truly believe I’m never going to be the same again. People ask me how I’m doing and I always lie. I tell them I’m okay but I’m really not. I’m devastated beyond words. My heart is shattered. I try not to cry in front of the kids and Garrett but it’s getting really hard. Today we went and had lunch and it ripped my heart out. This is how it was supposed to be but the seven of us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m immensely grateful that we have our four babies but I still can’t help but long for our baby. A part of my soul died along with Amelia that day.

“When one person is missing, it feels like the whole world is empty.”

People tell me that Garrett and I can “try again” later on in life but I feel like they’re dismissing the fact that our sweet girl isn’t just a pregnancy. She had a soul and a purpose. There’s nothing in this world that could ever replace her. She was and forever will be our sweet Amelia Breann.

“We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead.”

“Sweet baby, I cannot wait to see you in my dreams since I cannot see you here in my arms."