You Can't Do This Without Me

November 9, 2019

I had been contemplating leaving Jacob for several years at this point. I was tired of the constant fighting, gaslighting and emotional abuse. I was tired of his family being so ugly to me. I was tired of being stuck in the same life day after day. I was tired of pretending that I was in love with him. I did love him at the beginning of our relationship, but we got pregnant with our first daughter so fast and marriage seemed to be the only option.

Now that I'm thinking back, I think I stayed with him so long because I had some close cousins that were engaged and having kids and were so happy with their lives. I wanted to be happy too. I know that every relationship is different and you should never compare your relationship to others but I was twenty years old. I had always envisioned myself being this fantastic wife and mother. I fought as hard as I could to be the mother and wife I had wanted to be.

I remember one night being on the couch with my head on Jacob's lap and I was looking at my engagement ring. It was absolutely gorgeous in every way possible and was exactly what I had wanted but I couldn't help but cry. Yes, I was pregnant and was extremely emotional, but I knew in my heart he wasn't who I wanted to spend forever with. Why was I marrying him if I knew that it wasn't going to work or last and that I couldn't see myself growing old with him? I didn't want to disappoint my family. Growing up in a Catholic family, I knew I'd be judged for having a child out of wedlock and I felt that if I didn't marry him, I'd be judged even more. I'd like to say this...who cares what others think? It's no one's place to judge you or your decisions. I also felt that maybe I'd eventually love him how I wanted to. I don't know how I expected to fall in love with him when I felt that I already hated him. He was love bombing me. Constantly building me up to tear me back down.

I remember the day that I had decided I was leaving him. This would be the third time that I had decided to leave. The two other times I had made it to the outside of town before I turned back around. The thought of having a "broken" family made me feel so guilty. The day I decided to leave was a great day. A really great day. I had plans with my sister-in-law and two of my best friends from high school. We were going to have a girls day and have brunch and mimosas. After that, I was going to have coffee with a friend from college. I say friend but he's definitely more like family. I told him how I was feeling about my marriage and I can't remember exactly what was said during our conversation but I remember feeling like I had a lot of strength. I could do this. I deserved better. So much better.

When I got home from my day out with friends, I came home to a furious Jacob. He was upset that I had spent around $30 that day. This was more than he anticipated I was going to spend. He was upset that he was "stuck at home" with the girls while I was out spending my time and money with my friends. He was ready to storm out of the house and go spend money because it was "his turn." I know him spending money isn't a big deal but it's the fact that he couldn't let me have a break and spend a little bit of time with my friends. We had to be "even." I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but he made it a big deal. The way he yelled at me was completely unnecessary. That night I knew I was going to follow through with my plans and leave. I told him I was done with all of the emotional abuse and that I wanted out. I wanted to be away from him. I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand him anymore. He looked me straight in my eyes and told me "you can't do this [life] without me." At that moment, I started packing my bags. At that very moment, I promised myself I 100% do this all on my own. I had no choice. I had two impressionable girls watching my every move 24/7. I needed to be the best version of myself for them. I was constantly having anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts because of the abuse I endured throughout my marriage. If I had stayed, I knew that I wouldn't be able to be the best version of myself. Something had to change. I had to leave.

November 10, 2019

I don't remember what happened the morning that I left. I just remember packing the biggest suitcase that I could full of things that me and the girls would need and I headed to my parents house. He asked me when I'd be back and I told him that it was over. I wasn't ever coming back unless he made serious changes. I was honest and told him that I didn't think he could make those changes and that our marriage most likely couldn't be fixed. I told him to give me at least two weeks to myself. Yes, he would be able to see the girls whenever he wanted to but he wasn't allowed to text me or call me if it didn't have anything to do with the girls. I drove away and never looked back. After the two weeks passed, he asked me if I was ready to come home and try things again. I was completely honest with him. I told him that I was finally feeling myself again. I was happy again. During those two weeks, I was the best mother I could be for my babies. Going back would only reverse the progress I had made. The next weeks were a roller coaster. I can't recall a lot from three years ago. I know we had a lot of fights when it came to the girls and what was best for them.

I'd now like to tell you guys what I've accomplished since I left him. He said I couldn't do life without him and I'm proud to say that I'm getting along just fine without him. I'm Ms. Perfectly Fine!

I was able to find a job pretty quick. I was hired less than a month after I left him. It did take some getting use to since it was the first job I had in over four years. I'm happy to say that I'm at a place that values me. When my oldest started Pre-K, I was able to work 8-2 every day. I was able to drop her off and pick her up every day from school. No more late nights! I'm proud that I was able to put my youngest in a daycare. Jacob didn't even help me with the daycare fees.

I was able to get my girls nice Christmas gifts without anyone's help. A few weeks after Christmas, I took my girls and sister-in-law to Dallas for the weekend where we were able to go and enjoy the amazing Fort Worth Zoo. I did that all on my own.

I've been able to have nice birthday parties for my girls. I'm happy to say that they have all that they need in life. They never go hungry or go without clothes. I'm able to have them in ballet, gymnastics and Girl Scouts. We do absolutely everything together. Me and the girls have a beautiful relationship. They know that they can tell me absolutely anything that's on their mind. I know that's something that they aren't able to do with their dad. They come home expressing their feelings and I ask them if they tell their dad how they feel and they tell me that they don't feel like they can. My relationship with them is probably what I'm most proud of. They feel valued when they're in my care. They know that they're incredibly special and have a purpose in this world. That's all I could ever ask for.

This last Spring, I was juggling going to school for the first time in several years, (I passed all my classes, by the way) having a boyfriend, working full time, and being the best mom I could be.

I know this post isn't as long as the others but I just want women to know that it's okay to get out of a bad relationship. Even when they tell you that you won't succeed without them. PROVE THEM WRONG. You are worth so much more.

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