Co-parenting is worse than the divorce.

Decrees, new wives and alternating weekends, OH MY.

When you're getting a divorce and going through your initial custody battle, no one tells you that the worst part hasn't even come to a head yet. No one tells you about the pain of sharing your kids with a woman that's six and a half years younger than you and your ex-husband. No one tells you how she's going to try and boss you around when it comes to your kiddos lives.

Late 2019/Early 2020

The Separation

I left Jacob November 10, 2019 after years of contemplating leaving him. The fighting, gaslighting and abuse was too much for my twenty-four year old self to handle. I left for my babies. My goal was to show them that it's okay to leave when you're unhappy. It's okay to leave a marriage. It's okay.

I'm not going to lie, the separation was extremely hard on me and my girls. I'd given this man my all for four and a half years. I was a stay at home mom the entire time so I had no money, no home, no education, no job. All I had were my two beautiful girls and that was enough for me. I immediately started applying for jobs and was blessed enough to get a job at a fast food chain. I know what you're thinking, fast food? Let me tell you what, I have met the most wonderful people at that job. My managers, directors and operators have and always will be my saving grace. None of them will ever know how they saved me. They gave me a second home. I'm forever grateful for the wonderful people I've met the last three years at this place.

I'd spend the mornings and part of the afternoon with my two and three year old angels. At 2:00pm, I would clock in and clock out most nights around midnight. This was so hard. But I had to do it for my babies; Jacob absolutely refused to give me any child support. The most he gave me over 8 months was $24. How fucking generous. I was exhausted between working the late hours, fighting with Jacob over custody, and being a mom. I was letting Jacob see them every other day. Most days I was driving the girls 20 minutes across town to see him because if I didn't, he wouldn't see them. I'll never forget that the first time he dropped them off after his visit, he said "well I guess I'll see you when I see you." What kind of father says that to their kids when it's already agreed that you can see them every other day?

Custody Battle

My biggest worry was that my children were going to be molested by Jacob's father. His father WAS a predator. Jacob's dad had impregnated his mother when she was in her early teens and he was in his late twenties. He had a thing for young girls and I didn't want the girls to be touched by him. I didn't want the girls around him at all. I didn't give a shit that he was their grandfather/great-grandfather. I was molested by my own maternal grandfather. It can happen. I didn't want my girls to have the same issues I did after my grandfather molested me. I'm almost twenty-eight and I still have horrible anxiety and PTSD from it. I wanted in the decree that the girls couldn't be around him AT ALL. Jacob fought it trying to say that his father would be allowed to babysit and be around the girls if he so wanted. We went back and forth weeks over this issue but I wasn't going to back down. There was no way in fucking hell I was going to allow them to be alone with him. We finally came to the agreement that anytime Jacob's dad was around, there had to be supervision from Jacob. He wasn't allowed to be around the girls alone. Ever. We finally signed with standard visitation with the agreement about his father not able to be alone with them.

Standard Visitation

Side note about the child support:

He had gone 8 months without paying me child support... minus that $24 he had given me. He was ordered to pay me $1600 for two months back child support when he signed the divorce decree. He had just gotten our income tax back and instead of giving me my half and my child support, he wrote out my half of the income tax and wrote "child support" on the memo. I'm still so pissed about that.

Standard visitation is that I'm the primary custodial parent and Jacob gets visitation every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend & we switch up holidays. I was happy with it even though I had wished for full and sole custody. Even though he was able to pick up the girls after school on the Friday's of his weekend, he wouldn't. He wouldn't pick them up until Saturday evening and bring them back on Sunday evenings. Most of his weekends he had them less than 24 hours. He didn't care to get them on time at all. My girls would be waiting around all day for their dad. We never knew what time he was coming for them, if he would come at all.

Most of the time, we would fight during drop offs with the girls. The girls would come home in clothes that were either dirty, too big, or too small. You could tell that they hadn't had a bath, brushed their teeth or even combed their hair. They were two and three at the time. They couldn't do it on their own. It was his responsibility to make sure they were clean. This was extremely negligent in my eyes.

December 2020-March 2021

I was having to deal with ugly texts from Jacob about how he was sleeping around with a lot of women, going out and having fun. I couldn't care any less about that. I had my girls. He was constantly telling me how I ruined our family and that he didn't want to pay child support and that if I couldn't get by without it that I needed to give the girls up. Some shit, huh? I'd also like to point out that he up and moved two hours away. It was his own fault that he wasn't seeing the girls anymore.

Covid and a second marriage.

Unfortunately, everyones hours were cut during covid. Full time workers were only getting a max of 25 hours a week. It sucked. I was given a stimulus check but since Jacob and I had filed together that year, the money was deposited into his bank account and I'd have to wait for him to Venmo or Western Union it to me. I was relying on this check to get my girls their Christmas gifts since we were only a few weeks away from Christmas. He had told me that he was going to go to Walmart and send it to me that way and that I'd have it before the evening was over. The evening came and went and I still had no money. I tried calling him over and over. Each time my call was ignored by the second ring. After several times of calling and texting him, he told me to leave him alone because he was "out." Dude, this money is for your kids groceries and Christmas gifts. You could've done it before you went out. I had no problem with him going out with friends and girls or whatever but when you do that before you give me your kids money, that's when we're going to have a problem. In my eyes, he had prioritized whoever he was with before his own children. That's not fair to them.

A few weeks later, he pulled up to my house to my house with a girl in his passenger seat. Hell no. I'd like to point out that our decree states that we aren't allowed to have non-family overnight guests when we have the girls and we aren't allowed to have anyone who we are in a dating/intimate relationship with. I pointed this out to the both of them and that Jacob agreed to this when signing the divorce decree. Neither of them cared. I Facebook stalked this girl as soon as I got inside. This girl was NINETEEN years old. She was still a child herself. Jacob was twenty-five. The whole situation was disgusting to me. He is just like his father looking at teenagers. I was fuming and had so many questions. How did they meet? When did they meet? Why is he breaking the decree for this girl? No matter how many times I told him he wasn't allowed to have the girls around her, neither of them listened. They played house every other weekend with my babies. I hated that idea. Every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend ended in a huge fight because of them not listening to me. I was trying my best to follow the decree word for word and he wasn't making any effort to do the same. By the time I told him I was going to take him back mediation, he married her so they wouldn't get in trouble. He was twenty-six and she was nineteen. So disgusting. This girl hasn't even lived and now he's bringing her into an ugly custody battle that we're in. I feel bad because I know he probably love bombed her like he did me. I wonder if she felt like she didn't have a choice but to marry him just like I did.

My kids weren't even invited to their father's wedding. He got married on a weekend he didn't have the girls. I know that if it was important to him to have his girls there he would have either a.) Asked me to have them so they could be there for his "special day" or b.) get married on a weekend he had them. The wedding was in his backyard. He could have had them there. He didn't even tell me he was getting married. I only found out when I was stalking his facebook and saw his trashy backyard wedding photos. At least he looked nice and wore a nice jacket, pants and brand new boots for our wedding. If he had shown up to our wedding like he did his second wedding, I would have been extremely embarrassed. I broke the news to the kids and they were crushed that they didn't even know that their father was getting married. They were devastated knowing they weren't even invited. Jacob was mad when I told him that I told the girls. He said he was going to wait a few weeks to tell them. My poor kids. I don't know how he could even do that to them. I know that if the day comes that I remarry, I'd want them by my side the entire time. I guess that's just the difference between me and Jacob. The girls are my entire world and have been since I saw each positive pregnancy test. His new wife was his world now and the girls were his second priority. They had gotten married around Abigail's 5th birthday. Neither of them called to tell her happy birthday. When I confronted him, he said they already gave her a birthday party a few weeks prior and that all his new family was there and he couldn't step away and call her. Like I said, they're his second priority now.

Summer 2021

This was going to be the longest I'd ever been without my girls. With standard custody, the primary parent gets to pick one weekend out of the entire summer visitation to have the kids. My brother was getting married in Colorado the week after the girls started their summer visit with their father and step-mother. My brother means the world to both of my girls and they absolutely adore their Auntie BeBe. There was no way in hell I was going to let them get married without my girls there...so that's the weekend I chose to get them. The weekend was beautiful in every single way possible and it's one of my favorite memories with my entire family. When we drove back, we had to drop the girls back off with their father. It was going to be a long 5 weeks without them. The depression I had when they were gone is the worst I've ever had. I don't know who I am without them. After five weeks, they were going to spend one week with me, then one last week with their father before school started back up for their pre-k and kindergarten year. My baby girl was turning four. She got to celebrate her birthday twice that weekend. We had a family reunion at my grandma's farm and got to enjoy family that came down to visit from Montana. She loved her H-E-B JoJo Siwa cake. She loved everyone telling her "happy birthday." But after a while, she started not feeling so great. She fell asleep in my lap and soon we decided to head home because my mom wasn't feeling great either. We still had to get ready for her birthday party the next day with other friends and family. Her birthday party was great. She had a Muppet Babies cake with super cute decorations and her favorite food... pizza! After the party, I was insanely worn out. My throat wasn't feeling good and I was so tired. Oh well, allergies and the party right? The next day, she had her yearly doctor's appointment for vaccines and to see how she's growing. Everything was great but she was so tired after. I assumed it was the vaccines she had. The next day, we found out that my mom had tested positive for covid. So we all test and it comes back that me and my four year old were also positive. The next few days were okay, my little one was fine other than a slight cough and a small fever. She was still running around and playing with her big sister. My mom's oxygen was low and she was admitted to the hospital for covid-pnumonia. I was slowly getting worse. I couldn't breathe without having a major coughing fit, my fever wouldn't break, I had so much pain in my chest and my back, I was sleeping all day, I couldn't eat. I was miserable. I'm so grateful for my dad. While he was keeping the girls occupied, fed and bathed, he was also taking care of me and making sure I was okay. I finally got admitted into the hospital as well and now my dad had tested positive for covid. Luckily his symptoms were mild but I ended up calling Jacob and asking if he could come and get the girls a few days early so my dad could take care of himself and not worry about the girls. He refused. He said he wasn't going to take care of them because it was his "duty" as a citizen to not expose himself to Covid. He refused to take care of our children because one of them had covid. He did send them a care package with a blanket and stuffed animal when he found out one of the girls had it. But that's all he did. They didn't need another blanket and stuffed animal, they needed their father to take care of them.

I was out of the hospital four nights later but still had to be in quarantine. Jacob was still refusing to get them until we all had negative covid tests. Because of that, he didn't get the last full seven days with them. He told me I had to make the time up that he lost. Am I wrong for refusing to make the time up? He could have gotten them but didn't. I see that as forfeiting his time with them.

November 2021

This was my first Thanksgiving without my girls. I didn't want to do anything. I stayed home in bed while my parents went to go visit my family at my grandma's farm. Truth is, I didn't want to do a single thing without my girls. They went to the Houston area to visit their stepmom's family. On their way home, I got a call from Jacob that his child molester of a father had bit the dust. He died from covid complications. One less thing I have to worry about now. My kids are safe from him. When he dropped them off, we ended up telling the girls that he died. He didn't want to tell them, he was going to wait until the funeral to tell them. I don't know why he wants to hide everything from them. I believe in having a super transparent relationship with them. They need to know things like this. I let him know that I'd take the girls to the funeral even if it was on a school day. We'd take the day so they could be there. The funeral ended up being on a weekend he had them but my mom and I still took the day to drive two hours to be there for the funeral. Even though I hated the man, I still took the time to be there so I could be there for my kids. When we got there, the girls wanted to be with me and my mom. Jacob didn't even say he wanted them to sit with him and his wife so we went ahead and got the girls and sat directly behind the immediate family.

The next day, Jacob said he wasn't going to bring the girls back at 6:00 like he was supposed to. He said that since the girls sat with us for an hour at the funeral that he was going to bring them back at 7:00 for the "missed hour he didn't have the girls." What the fuck? I told him it was his own fault he didn't get the kids and sit with them. I was there to be a support system for my girls because he obviously wasn't going to be one for them. The girls are confused. They're 4 and 5. This is the first grandparent they've lost and they don't know what to make of all these new emotions. This is the man I have to deal with. I wasn't there at the funeral for my own pleasure. I WAS THERE FOR THE KIDS.

The next few weeks had been nothing but bickering between all of us. Including my parents. Jacob decided to yell at my mother at one point and it really pissed my dad off. I can't remember what these arguments had been about but I'm sure it had to do with him not being present in the girls lives. There was one night that my youngest looked at my dad and told him "Pa, did you know you're my real daddy? Not my daddy that lives in Amarillo. You are because you love me, take care of me and play with me." This girl is four and she can see that her own "dad" isn't present. From that day on, she started calling my dad, "dad." I let her because that was how she felt. I remember telling Jacob that and if he didn't get his shit straightened out now and fix his relationship with his daughters, he wasn't going to be the one to give them away when they walk down the aisle. Another man that was more deserving would do that. I told him that if he keeps doing this to them, they're going to end up filling that void with sex or drugs like some poor girls do. I can do my absolute best as a mother to fill any empty spots in their heart but I know they crave the attention from a father figure. I also told him that my paternal grandmother was dying. The radiation and chemo weren't working. She had a matter of months left with us. I told him that the girls were going to need him there when she passed. They were going to need the both of us to help them get through all these emotions. I needed him there. I knew that there wasn't going to be any way that I'd be able to compose myself and take care of the girls. After that long conversation, things got better between me and the co-parents. Of course they would still frustrate me when his wife would try and boss me around about the kids schedule or something. But most of the time we were able to remain civil.

May 2022

My grandmother lost her hard battle to cancer the night my oldest graduated from kindergarten. After school that day, we headed to my grandparents house because we knew the end of her life was near. My daughter was so proud to show her great-grandmother that she did it... she graduated. Those last few hours of my grandmothers life were the toughest on us. The night started out with her watching tv in her bed resting and talking to us. Especially my girls. They would go in and hold her hand, talk to her and watch the game show network with her. My grandma slowly started getting awful stomach pain where her tumors were. My daughters saw their great-grandmother in so much pain. They saw us giving her morphine to ease that awful pain. We prayed around her, we kissed her and we all kept telling her how much we loved her. I called Jacob and asked if he could make the forty-five minute drive to be here for the girls. They were so sad seeing her like this and I knew they needed their dad there. I asked if he'd be able to come sit with them or take them to the park or to go eat or something... anything. He didn't want to. I don't know why he didn't want to but I told him that this was probably her last night on this earth and that the girls were going to need us both. That statement didn't do anything. He didn't care. My grandma passed a little after 10:00 pm that night. I was a mess. My girls couldn't stop crying. My oldest got her iPod and called Jacob to tell him. He didn't answer the first time but he finally picked up the second time and she said "dad. I have sad news, my gram died and went to Heaven." All he said was "Oh, okay." I know she was craving comfort from her father and once again, he fell short. She hung up on him after that. He didn't show up to the funeral like I had hoped he would. He wouldn't even take half a day off to be with his daughters who had lost their second grandparent in a matter of months. I knew I couldn't count on him but I was still disappointed. I the slightest bit of hope that he'd be there for his daughters.

Present day: November 2022

Unfortunately, things are rough with the co-parents again. Jacob doesn't communicate with me when it has to do with the girls, his wife does. Even though I don't like her, I can rely on her more than I can Jacob. I invited them to go trick-or-treating with us on Halloween but he said that he'd rather hand out candy to the neighborhood kids. Yes, he actually said that in front of them. I've tried over and over inviting them to things but there's always an excuse. Always. I know they're starting to see that he's never there for them. He only pays attention to them when it's his weekend or his day. He and his wife live in the same down as us again so it's not like he has to drive two hours to come see them. He works two minutes away from my house. He could easily see them every single day for a few minutes if he wanted to. I told him that if he ever wanted to come see them that he could. He's never once taken up that offer.

As of today, there was another argument between me and his wife. The girls don't have school tomorrow due to UIL so I took the day off to be with them. I guess the girls have to stay with them an extra night because of it. I asked if they could just bring them to me tonight since I told them they could have them for one day during Thanksgiving break to see his family. She didn't see that as fair so I told them that she was the one not being fair so I told them they could no longer take them that day. From now on we strictly go off of the decree. No trading weekends or days or anything of that nature. I'm tired of bending over backwards to help them because they'd never do the same for me. I'm done giving them extra. There's a reason that he has standard. I do everything for these kids. I take days off when they're sick, I take days off for parties and school events. I go on field trips and pay for all the extra things that they need. He doesn't. It was a fight to get him to stay home with them one day that they were sick. He ended up not even taking off. I told him not to worry about it since his sick child was such an inconvenience to him. My mother ended up staying with them because she works at a school and has sick days. God bless my mother, she's an absolute angel and the best GiGi in the entire world.

It's just frustrating having to co-parent with such childish people. I want to do what's best for my kids, not me. If I had it my way, I'd have sole custody and they wouldn't have to deal with their father. They told me that they can't wait until they can decide for their own if they want to visit him. My youngest tells me that she'd never go see him. I try my best to tell her that he father loves her and she needs to go see him and that she'll have a blast with him, but inside, I'm beyond glad that she can see that he's not there for them. I am. My oldest still has hope in her father, but I know with time that'll diminish. It's so sad to always see the disappointment in her eyes when she invites him to go somewhere and he always declines. It's to the point she told me not to invite him to anything anymore.

Don't you cry my little one.