Fuck Cancer

May 10, 2021 was easily one of the absolute worst days I've ever had in my twenty-seven years of life. I remember I was lying on my bed and my dad was on his computer doing work at his desk when his phone started ringing. It was my grandmother, so he put it on speaker so I could talk to her as well. She had been having stomach and digestion problems and had a doctors appointment earlier that day so my dad asked how it went. After a few moments, my grandma breaks the silence by saying "tengo cancer." That phrase translates to "I have cancer." Cancer. My favorite person in the whole world had cancer.

After hearing these words, I had to cover my mouth to mute the sounds of my sobs. I don't remember the rest of the conversation between my grandma and my dad. All I had repeating in my mind was the first words I heard my grandma say.

Tengo cancer... tengo cancer... tengo cancer.

It all seemed so unfair. Unfair because this wasn't the first time that cancer had made it's way into our family. My dad's brother had fought and lost a battle to childhood Leukemia. I only know my uncle from sweet memories my grandparents, Uncle David and my dad have shared with us, the several pictures my grandparents took while my dad and his siblings grew up, and a few newspaper articles that were written about my uncle during his battle. This was unfair because my grandmother was a good woman. She was the most selfless person I ever knew. She was a second mother to everyone that entered her home. She showed up to every single school event me and my brother had. She was there for the birth of each of my girls. She was always there.

Unfortunately, she had complications with surgery when the surgeon took out her tumors. Because of this, she had to stop her chemotherapy treatments to make sure she was going to heal correctly this time. This worried all of us because we didn't want the cancer to grow more aggressive before she was able to continue her treatment. All we could do in the mean time was pray that she was going to heal quickly. After a few months, she continued chemo and radiation.

October 5, 2021

Remission. My sweet grandmother was able to ring the bell. She was in remission. Thank you, God! She is in remission!!! I remember bawling my eyes out when my uncle sent me the video of my grandma ringing the bell. I was so happy. My grandma was going to live. She fucking made it through. This was one of the happiest moments. I felt so incredibly blessed that she was going to be here longer. She kicked cancer's ass. Unfortunately, remission didn't last long. A few weeks later, she showed me and my mom that she had two knots in her stomach. I remember feeling them praying as hard as I could that the cancer hadn't returned. I felt betrayed by God when we found out that the cancer had come back and it was even more aggressive than the first time. The oncologist had a game plan. She was going to fight again. She was going to make it. She had to make it. I needed her. God, I needed her.

November 19, 2021

Today was the day I got to have my very first Thanksgiving meal with my daughters. I was so happy. It was a beautiful afternoon with my students, my children, my parents and my sister-in-law. We had lunch and then took the girls to the book fair. My mom was going to take the girls home for the rest of the afternoon while I stayed and helped in the classroom with a few students. I was laughing and talking with my co-workers when I got a call from my dad. My heart sank. My grandma was only 95 pounds or so and was headed inside the cancer center when a gust of wind knocked her over and she broke her hip. Fuck. Why is this happening? Why can't the horrible things stop happening to my grandma? Why her?

Once again, treatment had to be put on pause so she could have surgery to fix her broken hip. Let me tell you, my grandma was a fighter. She was up and walking with the walker as soon as the doctors let her. She blew us all away with her persistence and her strength. Before we knew it, she was walking with a cane. She was recovering so well from her broken hip. She was ready to fight cancer once again.

Because of the length of time she was in the hospital bed, she got a bed sore. The bed sore was so infected that once again, she wasn't able to do her chemo. This was so unfair.

December 24, 2021

This was the twenty-sixth Christmas eve I had spent at my grandparents. We did this every single year. It was my favorite holiday because it was always spent with my favorite family members. This year was hard. My grandma felt horrible because she didn't have the strength to get out of the house and Christmas shop for us. Of course the gifts meant absolutely nothing to all of us, but she loved Christmas shopping for us. She loved picking out clothes for everyone. She enjoyed purchasing my girls exactly what they wanted for Christmas. It brought her so much joy. Seeing her sad because she wasn't able to do that for us absolutely killed me. I think she knew that it was the last time she'd ever see us open Christmas gifts. I could see it in her eyes.

2022

The next few months happened so fast and were such a blur that I'm not able to remember exact dates but I can provide you a rough time line.

I could see the cancer quickly making my grandma fade away. The cancer not only made her lose weight and her hair, but her hope. She was scared. She was so scared of dying. She was scared of leaving my grandpa and the rest of us behind. The next few months I was FaceTiming my grandma on a daily basis to fill her in on what the girls were doing and silly family and work drama. I was doing my very best to make her smile and let her know how much we loved her.

Mother's Day

This day was about her. I didn't care about celebrating my motherhood at all. We all wanted her to know how much we all appreciated her. My daughters got picture frames and painted them and they each picked out their favorite picture of them with Gram. This was by far her favorite gift. We made her food and even had a few family friends come and sing a few songs for her. It was so beautiful. My youngest painted my grandmas nails while I did a small pedicure on her. I know this is a moment my daughter will cherish the rest of her life.

May 23, 2022

I was getting ready to go into work when my grandpa called me. He told me my grandma was severely dehydrated and needed to go to the hospital immediately. Deep inside me, I knew this was the beginning of the end. I knew her body was shutting down. I told my grandpa that I would call in and then head out that way to go and get them and take her to the emergency room. My dad had also called in and we went straight to their house. The drive usually took around an hour and a half but we made it so much faster than that. During the drive I was preparing myself for the worst. I knew the months that the doctor had said she had with us were coming down to the very last days. My dad stayed with my grandpa and I rode with my grandma in the ambulance. I held her hand tight because I knew the time was coming where I wouldn't be able to anymore. I would like to make note that the medics that picked me and my grandmother up were the sweetest men. They were so patient and kind and were exactly what we needed during this difficult time. After we got there and my grandma was examined, the doctor came in and told me what I already knew. Her body was shutting down. Dehydration was one of the first signs of death. My heart shattered. These were her last days with us. A little while later, my grandma decided she was ready for Hospice to take over.

May 24, 2022

This day started out wonderful. My daughter was graduating kindergarten! She was so proud of herself. She was beaming as she walked across the stage. The rest of the morning was spent taking pictures with all her friends at the fun photo booths they had set up around the school. It was such a good morning. That afternoon we decided to go ahead and travel to visit my grandma. We got there and my little graduate ran to my grandma's room and told her that she graduated and showed her pictures. My grandma was so proud. She was always so proud of all of us. When we got there, she wasn't in any pain. She was tired and would fall asleep but she'd wake up and talk to us for a few moments and then go back to sleep. After a few hours, she got intense pain in her stomach. This was the first time I'd ever seen my grandma complain about pain. Even after breaking her hip, she didn't let us know she was in pain. She always had a brave face on and would tell us she was fine. Seeing her wince and cry because this pain was so intense was absolutely heartbreaking. We gave her some pain killers hoping the pain would subside. It didn't. It just got worse. Morphine. She asked for the morphine. I know morphine doesn't cause the hospice patient to die but when she asked for the morphine, I felt like this was her way of telling us she was ready to die. The next several hours are an absolute blur to me. I remember calling my ex-husband asking if he could come and be here with the kids and help keep them occupied but her of course refused. I remember calling my best friend, Stefani, and asking her if there was any way she could get ahold of a priest so he could come and administer the Last Rites to my grandma. I'm so blessed to know that she found a priest and he was going to make a thirty minute drive to come for my grandmother. Even though she found one, my Godfather was able to go and pick up a local priest. I don't know if Stefani knows how much I appreciate her even though we found another priest. I'm so thankful and blessed to know that I have such a beautiful and wonderful friend that stopped what she was doing to help my grieving family. I'm eternally grateful for you, Stef. My grandma was given her last rites and she was immediately more at ease. She made her peace and was ready to make the journey to her Eternal home.

Within the next dreadful hours, we had close family friends, my Tio, Tia, cousin Yvonne, brother, sister-in-law and cousin David make it into town. We prayed, we sang, we kissed and hugged her and let her know it was okay to go. We were going to be okay. I remember holding her hand and crying and she looked at me with strong eyes and shook her head telling me not to cry for her. I tried so hard to listen to her wishes and not cry but it was so hard. It was so fucking hard. After a while, she was finally resting and we were going to go home. When I went to kiss her goodnight, she started breathing hard and her eyes were glued to a spot on the ceiling. Her eyes never moved and her breathing started shallowing and slowing down. I was holding her hand and praying and watching her as she took one last breath, sigh and close her eyes. Her battle was over.

A piece of me died the moment my grandma entered her eternal rest. The hardest part was seeing my grandpa crying for his "Mon amor." My dad and uncle mourning their mother. My brother and my cousin crying for our second mother. My kids so overwhelmed with emotions as they witnessed my grandma's last moments. Our world was shattered. How the hell were we supposed to live without her?

The next few days felt unreal. I remember crying all day for several days. I made a slideshow for the service. I am so proud of how my girls acted during these days. They were 4&6 and had these huge emotions and were meeting family members and having to sit still and quiet during services and they did so well. They would walk up to the casket and touch my grandma's hands and face and tell my mom that she did my grandma's hair and makeup beautifully. My mom had gone to the funeral home to do grandma's hair and makeup to make sure she looked like herself. My mom did a beautiful job. I know it wasn't easy for her to do it but she did it for my grandpa. I'm beyond thankful for my mothers selflessness.

My grandma was laid to rest next to my Uncle Martin.

There are so many things that remind me of my beautiful grandmother. I miss when I'd go and lay my head on her lap while we would watch TV. She'd scratch my head and play with my hair until I fell asleep. Yes, she still did this even when I was an adult. I was her only granddaughter and her "chata." There are days that are hard and I can't help but cry. On the really hard days, I see white butterflies. I know they're her. A few weeks ago, my brother had his first PSA trial and it was the first time my grandma wouldn't be there for something he did. When my brother and his dog Tuco went onto the field, a little white butterfly flew onto the fence and stayed there until Martin and Tuco were finished. She was there.

Present Day-November 7, 2022

Today was another hard day. One of my very best friends found out that she has breast cancer. Why is this happening again? My heart hurts for her and her children as they're about to take on this journey. I know it's going to be hard but I know she's going to kick cancer's ass. I have faith. My friend is one of the strongest people I know and she's going to fight this fight. She's going to come out on top.

I ask for prayers and good thoughts for my friend. I ask for prayers for all of her doctors as they come up with a plan to rid this ugly disease from her. I ask for prayers for her support system. She has so many friends and loved ones and it's going to be hard to watch her go through this but please pray that we are strong for her as we support her every second of this journey until the cancer is gone.

FUCK YOU, CANCER.