I Should Be Holding You Today...

November 27, 2023 - Everyday is a brand new start of a pain never ending.

Today is the day I should have given birth to you. This was my planned c-section date. I should be holding you right now. Your daddy and I had a perfect pink outfit picked out for you to bring you home in. Sometimes I sit with my eyes closed holding it close to me. I sit and think about who you'd look like... would you have dimples on both cheeks like me or just on one cheek like your daddy? Would you have red curly hair like your brother or blond hair like your two oldest sisters?

I think part of the pain is not honoring you like your daddy and I had planned. Today we were supposed to be getting matching Little Bird tattoos for you. To be honest, I don't even know if your daddy even remembers what today is supposed to be. We haven't talked since the end of August.

Grief is a funny thing. Some days I think of you and smile... knowing that you're in the arms of Jesus is a comforting thought. Then there are days like yesterday... I thought about the idea that I should have been finishing the last bit of packing before we left for the hospital to have you. I cried many times yesterday wishing that I could be holding you today. Then there's the anger. I get angry with myself when I wonder if there was something that I could have done to prevent your death. I know everyone says it isn't my fault and I know it isn't... it's just that little part of me that wonders if there was something that could have been done.

I know you'll be waiting for me when it's my time. Until then, I ask that you pray for all of us. Pray for mommy and daddy. There's a part of us that'll never be the same without you, my angel. Pray for all of your siblings...Even though I don't talk to your daddy, I hope him, Ben and Char are thriving, happy and healthy. Watch over them always baby girl. I love you forever, Amelia Breann. I'll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in Heaven.

"The other night, dear As I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried. You are my sunshine, My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear how much I love you.

Please don't take My sunshine away."